Eye Cancer CRT

California - Scientists have confirmed that Cathode Ray Tube(CRT) monitors are a leading cause of eye cancer in todays society. The research on this has been going on for at least 5 years at major research centers around the world. Today it was released that the relationship between CRT's and eye cancer is due to the interaction of alpha particles given off by the CRT monitors. "This is an unexpected turn of events, we thought that it would have to do with beta particles, but it wasn't so" said Dr. Alfred Thomas. This is very bad news for computer geeks, who were pointed to take over the world within the next few decades. A local buisness CEO who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity had this to say on the subject: "How can the geek inherit the earth if their all blind, it's just not physically possible." Also affected by the news were many a cubicle jocky, the middle management of 3 international companies have gone on strike until the corporations replace all the CRT monitors in the workplace. The cost of the monitors will soon be less than what the company has lost due to the strike, so the CEO's of the companies are scrambling to get as many people back and with Liquid Crystal Display(LCD) monitors as quickly as possible.

Uranium radiated ass

Berlin,Germany - Today scientists found the highest concentration of uranium ever compressed into one rod. The academic and scientific communities are ecstatic about the discovery. A leading scientist had this to say: "Well, this rod could prove to be the unifying factor to the causes of many deaths in the past" the scientist is of course talking about the location that the rod was found. In other News, the corpse of Adolph Hitler was recently found in Berlin as well, his body being completely preserved, it was easy to identify him, although no DNA testing was able to be done on the corpse due to the fact that he had a uranium rod stuffed up his ass, scientists confirm that the placement of the high concentration of uranium located in the corpses rectum lead to his preserved state. The discovery of the rod brings to question the truth behind the world wars. As for us, we'll leave the speculation to the pundits.

Dick Cheney gives birth

Washington D.C - Dick Cheney has given birth to a healthy baby girl, when questioned on the subject of his unusual birth Mr. Cheney calmly replied: "well one can only hope that god made her straight" when questioned on what she thought about the event, the baby replied, well I didn't come out of a bush...but I think I'm better off for it" the event marks a milestone in evolutionary history as the fact that a man being able to give birth renders the final blow to the last shreds of masculinity and sanity in the american government. eyewitnesses who have testified on condition of anonymity say that cheney was impregnated during his recent bypass surgery by his primary surgeon. This new level appears to give the American government an even greater need to prove that they still have what they once did, as later in the afternoon the orders for 3 more major tactical Iraqi operations were given. It is interesting to note that these operations differ in that the government gave an appraisal of the body count to be had on the american side before the operations were implemented, their estimates accumulated to around 50,000 american troops. When questioned, Bush and Cheney gave this response: "We will use as many lives as it takes to acheive our goal." upon review of Deadlife LTD's audio it was found that under his breath Bush continued with: "of proving that we really are men."

God found dead(again)

Seattle, Washington - Last night around 1:24, police reportedly recieved word of a corpse found in a woman's basement in the outskirts of Seattle. When the police arrived, they detained the woman and started an investigation into the events of the night. After a day of interrogation and forensic investigation the woman was released and the police are currently looking for the culprit. They have identified the deceased as one "God" and refuse to answer further questions. The primary suspect is a 5ft 8in tall male of slight build. Any information concerning the events of last night should be directed to this number:202-456-1111.

Berlin, Germany. [Deadlife LTD] - Nanite kills Man.

This morning in Berlin a major breakthrough has occured in the field of nanotechnology. The first neural nanite cluster has finished it's first round of laboratory tests passing all of them without flinching. The cluster, designed to provide easy access to seratonin and dopamine in patients, has sucessfully ben implanted in lab mice. A noticible reaction occured 2 hours after implantation. The head nanobiologist working on the cluster, Dr. Tim Artzmann was exctatic about the success of the cluster. "After working on this for nigh on 8 years it is a very happy occasion to see it work, the next step is to get it ready for humans." The cluster stimulates existing neurons into releasing a range of different neurotransmitters, having the potential to help many mental disorders with much more ease than current procedures have. The only downside of the morning was the tragic death of noneother than Dr. Tim Artzmann. He was found at approximately 7:41 AM GMT+1 with his throat torn to shreds. After dealing with the removal of the late doctor, it was descovered that the mouse that had been implanted with the neural cluster had escaped. A search was started at 8:00 AM for the $3.8 million mouse. At 8:03 the mouse was found, covered in blood in a corner of the lab. Dr. Artzmann's colleague Dr Henry Mehlinger took the mouse to the second laboratory for cleaning and further study. As Dr. Mehlinger left the room this reporter was able to catch one of the late Dr's aides mutter "That mouse was never violent before the cluster." The police are still unsure as to the events surrounding Dr. Artzmann's death.

God Dies in China.

Beijing, China - Early this morning the Beijing Shunyi Hospital admitted a repertedly 85 year old male into it's halls. The man, of no distinguishable decent whatsoever was found lying in a ditch just outside of the city. The man has no apparent bodily injuries yet his health was rapidly declining. Once admitted the on duty staff quickly did their best to try to save the man but were unfortunately to late. Eyewitness accounts of the subsequent events describe the old man, who had been legally dead for 20 minutes spontaneously cumbust, get out of the bed run around the room and subsequently vanish into a dark pit which vanished a short time after. The eyewitness accounts go on to say that about 5 minutes after the dissapearance of the pit, a large shiny object appeared hovering in midair where the pit had vanished. The object apparently emitted a large burst of light before it shattered into millions of people killing one of the nurses on duty and injuring 2 more. This story would seem too surreal to be anywhere close to the realm of reality but for the video surveilance cameras that had recorded everything. # hours after these mysterious events occurred, all thought on the subject was dropped due to the fact that a volcano was erupting beneath the hospital. Around 45% of the patients were unable to get out before the volcano demolished the Hospital. These curious events happening one after another up until this point could be taken as coincidence, but the next event in this horriffic tale Was the old man who had thought to be dead was now nailed to the top of the hospital as it ever so slowly sank into the lava. The man slid hiswrists off the nails and, without a sound, jumped into the river of magma. Due to the trememdous strife this unknown man had to go through He will forever be known by the survivors as God. It is interesting to note that 3 weeks later the same man was arrested on rape charges and subsequently neutered and sentenced to jail.